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Jun. 9th, 2013

straight in the eyes

Movies and Books!

Senior year in College finally started.Thesis, organization works, family matter, relationship and other interesting, mind blowing aspects of life that could either make you happier, or swallow you. In less than 12 months, i'd be leaving the 'undergrad' student category. *oh the chills.*

Just a few books an movies, I want to watch and read, before i finish off this college phase of my life.

1. Lion king 1 & 2- Ive heard that this movie is so moving and inspiring. Just cant belive i havent watched this. :|
2. Karate kid
3. Kung fu panada 1 & 2
4. Remember me
5. my sisters keeper
6. cheaper by the dozen 2 & 1
7. eat pray love
8. one day
9. forest gump- Seriously want to watch!
10. PS I love you
11. Made of honor
12. The perfect man
13. father of the bride 1 & 2
14. The ugly truth
15. I giv my first love to you (korean)- seems interesting
16.white chicks
17. mr and mrs smith


1. Veronika decides to die
2. A bend in na road
3. Manuscript found in acra
4. When God writes your love story
5. Aleph- i do have a copy of this book but I just cant find time to read read read... :|

Apr. 16th, 2013



It fell.
wetting a straight line of my cheek.
dripping down my chin.
I cant help but taste its saltiness.
hazy left eye vision.
a throbbing pain in my chest.
It's getting harder to breathe.

I cried.

I kept crying.

Feb. 25th, 2013

straight in the eyes


Flowing water.


Drifting waters flowed. Swept the leaves.

Left the leaves.

"You only start to know the purpose of conquering a mountain, during the process of climbing."


Thoughts caught by sight reveals truth and value. Leaves that fell are left. Flowing water continued to flow. Remained as water.


Jan. 19th, 2013


Real Magic

Tilt your head up, and feel the cold air. Yes, this is LIVING.

Acting as if today is the last day of my finals exam(which really isn’t since have laboratory exams and Logic exam this coming week), I decided to go to a friends’ place in Montalban Rizal, and along the way introduced and showed a side of my family, I have never really shown to anyone before.
I didn’t sleep the entire night, and stayed up until 4 in the morning with basically reviewing nothing. I was just online on skype and facebook (lol, yeah pretty bad influence), talking to random people and catching up about some things. I turned off my computer and decided to start studying after since it is already 4am. I lay on the bed, opened my notes up and decided to put my blanket over my face. Voiles! I fell asleep. -_-“

I have a scheduled exam on my research class at 8:30 am, and luckily I woke up 7:30. I am already late, but thankful that my dad was still at home. Instead of going to school straight right after preparation, my father decided to have breakfast with me at Jollibee. Knowing that I was already late, I decided to have breakfast with him, and finished at exactly 8:30. (And yes! My block mates were already taking the exam, but I don’t have a choice.)

Right when I was having my breakfast and completely aware of the time passing, I realized how thankful I should be for being able to spend this meal with my dad, him reading newspaper while I was catching up with my notes. It is being in the situation when you know what you are doing or where you are with, is more important than what you have to do at that exact same moment.

Exam hours went pretty fast. I was able to finish my two exams just right in time.

It was already planned that I’ll go with my friend to her hometown at Montalban, and play Frisbee. Suddenly, two other block mates joined me. And it made the whole thing more fun!

I have always believed that it is not about being able to go immediately where you want to be at, but rather, it is about the manner of traveling and the whole experience of going to where you want to be. And indeed, the ride going to their place was really fun. Since the road will go through the same way, as where my mom was at, I decided to drop a quick visit, just to say “hi” and check up on my grandmother, mom and my little cousin.

It was as if giving little of my free time to people I value and love, and it felt the most real and most important part of my day. I am never really comfortable of letting other people get to know more about my personal family life, since it is really rather a complicated aspect of my life. And I am happy, that somehow, I was able to share that part of my life to people I would like to keep and value my entire life.

It was quarter to 5 pm, when we decided to go to the “oval” where there was a field and ground for different youth and people who would like to spend their time working out, exercising, and even enjoy their hobbies outdoors. I am glad to know that there still exists such place, where spending time outdoors is given value. I was able to meet different people as well, actually friends of my friend 
No matter how scatter or complicated or of different paths our life maybe, there will always be a crossing where things will meet, where as you get to know people who are from a different place, going through different situation, yet can make you feel like you are going through the same obstacle in life. The feeling is magical, as it things were intellectually intertwined to meet at some point.

It was 8:20 pm when we left my friends’ place. Around 9:15, I was already at Trinoma where I was supposed to meet my cousins and have dinner together. Here, again I realized how spending little time and sharing small conversation is important. It isn’t how long people talk, but it is sometimes how often and how small things become valuable.

The highlight of this short trip up north is perhaps the back ride on the tricycle. I saw the mountain upclose, felt the cold wind brush through my cheeks. I just couldn’t help it, but think how lucky I am to feel, to see, to hear and simply to experience such scenery and life’s blessing. I love how small conversation with my friend was and how honest and straightforward things are. I know she was, is, and will be there for me. I felt safe and comfortable. Indeed I was happy.

I would definitely love to experience this sudden trip again, and appreciate how beautiful life can be. Keep safe everyone! Good night!

Jan. 14th, 2013


I realized how difficult it was to start a new book, when I'm still living up on the previous book I just finished reading. I kept on going back to the last few pages. It was as if the memories I had with the last book is still vivid and alive.

I've long wanted to start reading Aleph by Paulo Coelho three months ago, but decided to read "The Fault in our Stars" by John Green first. Thinking about saving the last few days of my break for the best book I will probably read for the entire year since it was written by Paulo Coelho, my favorite author.

Going back to the book of John Green, the memories of how Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, of how their true love was unbound by their young age and illnesses; continuously play through my mind. Perhaps this re-occurrence of thoughts and not being able to start a new book is beyond the book itself, but goes through and around what I'm probably going through. Perhaps I see myself being in one situation yet having two things in mind, like I'm not living in the present.

I want to start over; I want to make a new me. I want to forget the old ‘wasted’, impulsive and restless me. Truth is, I probably want to find myself. But the bad part of 'finding oneself’ is I would have to go through the previous chapters, chapters of my life I have longed wanted to close. Thus inevitable for me to first go through the freshest and probably the closest part in my life, for now.

It seems like I have left something in the past, or maybe someone I have not settled things with. I am in the bridge of deciding whether to go forward and forget everything else, or go back, save whatever I can save, give things another shot, that maybe/perhaps I should try harder, that I should be more patient on things, or but simply, stop myself from going back and being dumb.

I don’t want to hold onto something I know I cannot really have, but I don’t want to give up unless I’ve tried all means.

Yet, I guess the question that still remains is, am I where I am supposed to be? Am I in the right position to hope for more? Did things start the way they should have really started? Furthermore, when would be the right time to say "I have had enough? I’m done"?

Then I go back and think again about Hazel Grace from the Fault in Our Stars, how it was hard to accept that August Waters was already gone, that no matter what she tries to do, he wouldn't be back again. I remember how painful the first few weeks were for her. Yet a day came when she had accepted how things are now going, without Augustus Waters.

"That's the thing about pain...it demands to be felt." A line from John Green's book which pierced through. Having trouble about getting over a certain situation or getting over a person in one's life, would definitely involve pain. I realized that I'll be fooling myself if I'll tell people I am perfectly fine, that I am feeling better without him. Because I know it’s a lie, people who know me well knows that I am not really happy, that I am suffering. And people who doesn’t really know me, wouldn't give a crap--- wouldn't care.

Yes, I am in pain. I am right now terribly hurt with how things went. I am disappointed. But I am thankful; thankful that things still happened. Thankful that at least, for once / twice in my life, I have done something so wrong, something everybody was against at, yet made me damn well happy.
~No regrets indeed~

I guess I just need time; time to find myself again, since I've lost it from giving too much. Time to get hold of myself, time to gain strength of saying no on things I am supposed to say no to.

A friend from Netherlands once told me "You might not feel at your best on some days, but the sad days make the good days feel even better." For now, I will just BREATHE. Let me feel the pain. Let me discover my own/self made HAPPINESS, because I am tired of owing it to someone any more.

Gee, I thought this is just going to be about a transition from one book (The Fault in Our Stars by John Green) to another (Aleph by Paulo Coelho). Oh well. Thanks!
P.S. Such a coincidence, after writing this, a song of Alicia Keys and John Mayer played. "Lesson Learned".

AHHH the magic of writing. :))

Jan. 10th, 2013

straight in the eyes

(no subject)

So before I forget this thing in my mind. I have to type it.

The way Chad Michael Murray kisses, geeez, feels like I wanna kiss somebody so bad. Well I really do wanna kiss someone. "That someone".
I can vividly remember how it was, and it give me that chill or "kilig" feeling still, especially feeling his arms around me. lol I wanna kiss so bad. like this...


Well just had this thing in mind after watching a movie which I guess was released last 2010. It's "Christmas Cupid"

The movie was ok. A bi entertaining, and you get to learn few valuable lessons such as
1. Importance of career, family, love, life balance.
2. Reread number 1. Lol

But yeah it gives value to how you handle your personal life despite all the busy things you have to handle in life. :)
Another thought that it gave me was, be with someone who is there to listen to you. :)

So yeah that's it. My first hidden thought revealed this 2013. :)

PS> Oh I love sudden breaks from school, but I bet I have lots of catching up to do. Darn it.

Dec. 25th, 2012

straight in the eyes

Christmas 2012

Growing up in a Filipino-Chinese family, celebrating Christmas was not really a big deal. It usually just go around attending the last mass before Christmas, then preparing dinner with extra food and fruits on the table and pretty much go to sleep after and give red envelope to anyone who visits us at home on Christmas day. But this 2012, I guess the way my family will celebrate Christmas day would be a bit different.
#1 change: We’ll have exchange gift
This doesn’t ever happen in my family, nor do we ever get bothered giving gifts to everyone.
#2 change: family reunion with catering services
We’ll have a family reunion at a certain place and there have a meal altogether.
#3 change: My Uncle from Italy went home.
It’s not like he doesn’t really visit back here in the Philippines. Just that, this time it’s in time with the Christmas season and he even brought our step cousins with him and introduced it to his first daughter (my cousin). Pretty awkward at first but I’m glad that it is somehow working out.
#4 change: Less Food on the table
This time, literally less food. Just a simple meal for dinner and that’s it. Well maybe because the lunch gathering tomorrow would be the big-time real. Hmm Haha!
Merry Christmas everyone! :)

Dec. 8th, 2012


I just cant express it at all

This maybe one of the weakest nights I ever felt myself to be so fragile.
I feel so damn sad because I feel like no one really cares about me. No one gives me the importance. Don’t I deserve any care back?
I know that I shouldn’t ask for anything in return. But I feel so damn sad and no one even realizes that I am. I am not crying because I’m afraid to be alone. I’m just sad to realize the fact that no one cares even if I have tried my best to give care to other. I miss the warm; it seems like I have forgotten how it feels like when someone really cares so badly for me. Actually, I don’t know if that situation or case ever happened. Perhaps I am bound to travel this road alone, and I must try to be numb. It is so hard. But I guess I don’t have any other choice but to. I’m saddened to realize this fact, but this is just it. No one cares, nobody dare to, even if I’ve given so much. I’m just not enough. Not ever going to be.
In the end, I’ll just have to do one thing, do what I have to do. And feel nothing for anyone, like how they made me feel like.
Another thing I realized. If he or she really cares, he or she will find a way. He wouldn’t settle for a “no” answer. Because if he did, he doesn’t really care, he just asked for the sake of asking. But it isn’t enough.

Nov. 2nd, 2012

straight in the eyes

Lines sincerely

It's not about how you look like Ryan Reynolds, nor how you could play ball nor how rich you could be, nor how sexy your body is,. Sometimes, the way you make me smile and the simple conversation that we have, makes everything fall into place, makes me want nothing else but you. It's the simple corny jokes that we laugh at, knowing how nonsense I could be or boring. It's how we share silence that makes it worthwhile, and most especially how you make me feel safe and comfortable, without you knowing.
-me day dreaming-
lines i dream to sincerely say, but has no reason to. (-.-)

Oct. 23rd, 2012


I believe

It’s the pain of the heart that makes the pain of the body go worst.

Well this is to tell to any reader that this is not about science research that I did; this one is pretty much some personal issues. So feel free to close this blog entry and leave 

It’s when we get to show our sympathy and care to someone, yet be treated like a trash after. It is the feeling of loneliness, of sorrow, of deep solitude. During these times when I really need someone to come and just sit beside me, without telling me any word, without asking anything, but just be there with me.

Frantically, I’m not looking for a boyfriend or life partner, nor I am looking for a huge group of friends, perhaps I’m just looking for a company of the mind, of the heart and of the soul. It’s still a mystery where to find this person, but I’m still holding on the belief that he or she exists.

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